The Newly Separated Unsupported Single Parent
Facing my first Mother’s Day as a newly separated, single mum was one of my most profound experiences. Leaving me as an unsupported single parent, my ex-partner and father of my child had always organised a card and present from our son, as he was too young to master the shops and choose something himself! Even though I knew the card and gift wasn’t directly from our son, my heart still swelled with love for him as I opened the carefully wrapped present and read the printed message of love and appreciation inside the pretty card.
Parenting With A Brave Face
This year, when I woke in the morning, my three year old son quite obviously had no idea it was Mother’s Day. The morning had no accompanying card and present. It may sound quite pathetic, but I felt devastated, unloved and just generally unsupported. Fortunately, logic kicked in at that point, reassuring me that Ben was only 3 and of course he wouldn’t even know what day of the week it was, let alone the significance of the day…”Anyway”, I consoled myself, “Who says it’s Mother’s Day today? Who makes up these rules? I don’t need to be celebrated and I don’t need to be pressured into celebrating my own mum.” (This may sound callous, but at this point in my life, my mum was electively absent. She hadn’t even met Ben. Mother’s Day had been a difficult day for me long before I had inadvertently become a single mum).
This bravado bolstered me for a while and I bundled Ben into his pushchair, inspired to get out of the flat into the fresh air and do something nice for us. I marched determinedly down the road with a smile on my face as Ben chatted away to me about cats and dogs and the best cars he could see. However, I was not prepared to be greeted by the images foisted upon me, let alone prepared for the effects they would have on me.
Surrounded By People And Feeling Alone
On the way to the bus stop (learning to drive was still on the to-do list) we passed a driveway sporting a car full of what appeared to be an advertisement-level happy family, complete with proud mother, dressed up, clearly ready for a pleasant day out… turning another corner we passed the local family pub, boasting garish HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY banners…then to top off my impending sense of doom, we drew up at the bus stop, which happened to be outside a popular card shop which brashly asserted messages of Mother’s Day from each window…I don’t even need to explain just how much having a happy mother’s day was being forced upon me against my will. Never had I felt so single.
Taking a restorative breath, once again, I tried to console myself. “Ok”, I thought, “So I may not have all the trimmings of a partner or an extended family of my own, as a newly single mum, but I do have my wonderful son!” Who at that point was emphatically singing Fireman Sam. Surely this was all that mattered?
With my new resolve to make the best of our day together, we set off to the soft play centre. Yet still the pangs of loneliness and pain gripped me. In particular from the families I was met with at the centre. The doting father, the mothers with big smiles of what felt like smug contentment on their faces. It all served to highlight what was missing from our lives. I felt rejected. I felt useless and worst of all, I felt unworthy of love. I grabbed my son in my arms as he swooped down from the slide into the ball pit. I squeezed his hot, squidgy little body into my chest and screwed my eyes shut as uncontrollable tears pricked my eyes. “I’m so sorry darling.” I whispered to him. “I’m so sorry.” What was I apologising for? Good question! I now know I had nothing to feel guilty about. At the time, I was going through the worst bout of low self-worth and I had no idea how resilient I actually was and how hard I was trying to be the best person I could be. At that moment, I felt broken.
What could have possibly fixed me at this point?
Single Parents Together
Suggesting we go to sit down and have a drink, I took Ben’s little clammy hand in mine and led him back to the seating area. A lady, her teen daughter and an energetic little boy around the same age as Ben bounded in. The mum asked if they could come and join us on our table, as the centre was filling up fast and space was limited. Of course, I obliged and made room. Almost as if my internal plea for help had somehow been answered by the universe, she introduced herself as not only a single mum, but a single foster mum. At once I felt seen, less alone and more accepted.
After drinking coffee and chatting for what felt like hours, we realised we shared a lot of the same loneliness and pain. Especially around this time of year when the sentiment of families makes a big splash. This was the start of a wonderfully supportive and dynamic friendship. Each of us helping the other. I had found my tribe.
Over the years my tribe grew and I met more and more single parents, both male and female. I learned that although I may not have the family I would have wanted, I was able to cultivate my own kind of ‘family’. I gradually felt less alone and more loved and this sense of belonging continues today. One of my single mum friends bought me a fridge magnet with a quote which reads “Friends are the family you choose for yourself.” I see it every morning as I reach for the milk for my coffee and I smile because it’s so true.
How to cope in this situation
What I have found helpful and what other single mums find helpful.
- Choose your own support network which can become like family to us.
- Work on building our own resilience, possibly through personal therapy. This can help increase our self-awareness…We can learn why we feel the way we do and how we can best support ourselves through these difficulties. Never underestimate the importance of self care.
- Join parent/ child groups at your local community centre. This can be the ideal place to meet others who may be in a similar situation to you and you can form friendships with people who you can identify with and who actually understand what you’re going through.
- Reach out on Support networks such as Netmums/ Mumsnet and share your struggles. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice and support because this is what these particular social networking platforms are designed for. (Of course, there is always the possibility of negative comments and judgement, but in my experience, most comments are supportive and all posts are moderated for our protection due to a code of ethics.)
- If you have a faith, then join a church. This could be a way of gaining a sense of ‘belonging’, acceptance and love. This is especially helpful in a crisis situation.
- Call Samaritans or other mental health support helplines. The evenings are sometimes the hardest when the children are in bed and you’re alone with your thoughts. A phone call to share your darkest moments could be the difference between unhealthy self-medicating (such as over-eating or drinking) and gaining some healthy support.
- Is there the possibility of postnatal depression? It’s always advisable to get checked out by a doctor. If this is the case, it is not a sign of weakness. It’s due to a hormonal imbalance and is very common.
Helpful Organisations
This is by no means an exhaustive list of available organisations tailored to supporting the needs of vulnerable single parents, but these are a few of the most recognised.
NHS
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/support-and-services/advice-for-single-parents/
Home Start
https://www.home-start.org.uk/
Gingerbread
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
Frolo App
https://www.frolo.com/
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this, and you would like to reach out for some support, then contact me on 07473 241 144 or fill out the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
