Suicide: a Difficult Subject
Suicide can be a difficult subject to raise because people don’t know how to respond to it. Even though the conversation around mental health is improving, there are still associated stigmas. This may result in those who were once close to you suddenly avoiding you because they don’t know how to approach it. This bereavement by suicide support blog is for people who want to support someone bereaved by suicide and for those who have lost a loved one in this way.
I have thought for some time I can’t be the only one who has experienced a loss of this kind and it’s become so important for me to reach out to those who may be struggling as I have been.
This time of year is particularly challenging. Christmas, a time we are encouraged to think about family, can be difficult. It may bring up conflicting emotions after a bereavement by suicide.
The suicide of a Family Member
I lost my father in 2007 to suicide and my brother to suicide in 2017. My father was mentally unwell for a number of years following a breakdown in ’95. Sectioned many times under the mental health act before finally taking his life. My brother (from our mum’s first marriage and no relation to my father) was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He struggled for many years with alcoholism and drug abuse. After stopping his prescribed medication, he eventually had a complete breakdown resulting in his suicide.
After my own personal therapy, I have accepted neither my father’s or my brother’s suicides were my fault. It may sound odd to hear someone accept responsibility for someone else’s decision, when you know, logically that is not possible. But, when I found myself in this position, I found myself agonising over my part in their decisions. I experienced thoughts such as “I should have tried harder…I should have known what they were planning…I wish I could go back and change things…Why didn’t they feel they could be honest with me?” I was desperately searching for answers to impossible questions.
The Stages of Grief
I discovered early on, the cycle of grief has its own route map. According to psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler Ross, there are five stages of grief.
- Shock
- Anger
- Depression
- Bargaining
- Acceptance
It has become apparent to me that each stage doesn’t come and go in any semblance of order.
My particular cycles of grief just keep doing the rounds as I get on with my day to day life. I have learned to live with its unpredictability. The only acceptance for me, is that the grief is always there. There will be moments I’m not ok, but that’s ok, because there are moments when I am. (Kübler Ross noted the stages of grief are not linear and some people may not feel any of them, but her model is a general guide to the emotions we experience throughout the grieving process.)
I have found some acceptance through my respect for autonomy. It’s one of the BACP (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy) ethical principles. As autonomous individuals, we have the right to live life the way we wish and the freedom to make our own decisions. Consequently, this belief brings me some peace. I may not agree with the decisions my father and brother made, but I accept it was their right to make those decisions.
Still…even with this awareness… I struggle. Counselling helped me empathise with the depth of despair my father and brother were each experiencing. I’m now able to see what they did had absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever. They didn’t leave life to hurt or punish me or anyone else. On the contrary, I know my dad left because he honestly believed we would all be better off without him. He believed he was draining those around him and lost hope that things would ever improve. My brother was so deep in psychosis, he lost touch with reality and made an irreversible decision, based on his altered mindset. Both decisions were theirs; not mine. Their decisions were certainly not intended to negatively impact my life…or anyone else’s. Although of course each death did. I am still healing. Every day.
Some days are harder than others. Father’s Days. Christmases. Birthdays. New years etc… During these times, a magnifying glass looms over the occasion, highlighting what is no longer there.
Grief is hard enough. Complicated grief is a whole different challenge. Having had a tumultuous relationship with my father, some of my grief is caught up in mourning the relationship I wish we’d had. The grief I feel for the father I wish I’d had when he was still alive merges with the grief for the father I know I will never have.
I think part of the acceptance (for me) has been the knowledge that it will always hurt. Although a potentially depressing prospect, I have found peace in embracing the pain, rather than continually fighting against it. Ultimately, I was only fighting myself.
Bereavement by Suicide Support: The Benefit of a Suicide Support Group
After having stumbled across an advert for a suicide bereavement support group in my GP surgery, I decided I would sign up to receive the support I desperately needed. (There are many suicide bereavement support groups available in the UK, listed on the SOBS website. https://uksobs.org/we-can-help/local-support-groups/find/ )
I was nervous to throw myself in and relive the trauma I was trying so hard to process. I was anxious about sharing my experiences with other people who were vulnerable from their own losses. I felt a responsibility to shield them from any vicarious trauma they may have felt from my bereavements. For a time, this blocked me from fully expressing my feelings. I also found it difficult not to slip into ‘counsellor’ mode… but realised this coping mechanism manifested not only for the purpose of supporting the rest of the group, but also to save myself from being vulnerable. It was only when I gave myself permission to open up that the healing really began.
Group therapy isn’t for everyone and isn’t the only way to receive help for complicated grief. It can, however, help you feel less alone. My group experience helped me feel truly understood by people who had experienced similar losses. Of course, everyone’s relationship with their lost loved one differed, the circumstances of their passing contrasted and the way we handled our situations varied. However, these differences helped broaden my perspective. I found myself reflecting on the ways in which others chose to help themselves through unbearable grief. We shared our individual ways of coping. One mother who lost her 15 year old daughter found solace visiting her grave, whereas another group member took comfort playing the music their brother loved, feeling a connection through the music. For some (like me) reaching out to help others who have experienced similar traumas brings a sense of purpose to the pain.
Belonging to this group taught me we all have our own unique ways of dealing with losses. There is no right or wrong way. Closure can be an elusive concept, but being part of a community who understands your situation brings with it solidarity in the healing process.
Personal Therapy for a Suicide Bereavement
I still receive my own personal therapy and continuing professional development mental health training. I would definitely consider group therapy again. As a BACP member, I need to continue working on myself and broaden my professional development, but even if it were not an ethical requirement, I would still invest in expanding self-awareness. I believe we are always growing and there are always learning opportunities within any situation.
Something I’ve learned from my father’s and brother’s suicides, is life is precious. It can take years to cultivate and seconds to destroy. I cherish the time I am here and vow to live my life in as meaningful a way as possible. I’ve also learned everyone has a right to live their lives however they choose to (which includes their decision on when their life ends).
My feelings continue to fluctuate from day to day and sometimes from moment to moment, but that’s ok. Giving myself permission to feel how I feel has been the kindest thing I’ve ever done for myself. Allowing ourselves room to experience our true feelings means we can live authentically.
Advice for supporting someone who has been bereaved by suicide:
- From my perspective, I appreciated being really listened to rather than just given platitudes like ‘time is a great healer.’ Although there are truths to these age-old adages, they can feel empty and like ‘auto-advice’ when you’re trying to process a difficult situation. Although it can feel tempting to jump in and fix the issue for someone who is suffering, it’s not possible to fix the person who is broken. All you can do is support them while they learn how to fix themselves.
- It’s really important not to judge the bereaved person. e.g., “They seemed fine yesterday, but they’re struggling today”…or “Surely they should be feeling better by now”…or “It’s not healthy to wallow”… Although well-meaning sentiments, these are examples of judgements on how someone should be doing without fully understanding what they’re feeling. Sometimes they themselves may not even know what they’re feeling.
- Allowing someone the space to tell their story as many times as they need to is also really helpful even if it feels they are going round in circles. You may feel it’s unhealthy for them to keep reliving events, but this could be their way of coming to terms with what happened.
Advice for someone who has lost a loved one through suicide:
- Remember your grief is personal to you. Everyone’s situation is different and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Don’t compare yourself with how others are coping or expect yourself to be thinking or feeling a certain way.
- Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions, such as through journaling.
- Remember your loved one’s life was about more than their suicide.
- Expect ups and downs.
- Take care of yourself. (Eat healthily, exercise regularly, aim to get enough sleep and spend time outdoors connecting with nature).
- Be patient with yourself.
- Reach out for support. Seek supportive friends and family. (Who you choose to confide in and the amount of information you decide to share are personal decisions. You may feel you want to be honest with close friends, but simplify what happened for acquaintances. You don’t need to go into details and certainly shouldn’t feel obligated to answer intrusive questions. Consider joining a bereavement support group.
Complicated grief may lead to major depression or PTSD. If you think you may be depressed or traumatised, it’s important to seek professional help. This will enable you to make the necessary changes to allow you to relinquish any guilt, anger or blame and eventually find some peace and acceptance.
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this and would like to reach out for support, feel free to contact me on 07473241144 or fill out the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
Support
Papyrus: https://www.papyrus-uk.org/support-organisations/
Samaritans: 116 123
https://www.samaritans.org/
SOBS: https://uksobs.org/
Staying Safe: www.StayingSafe.net
References
Kübler-Ross, E., 1969. On death and dying. 1st ed. New York: Macmillan.
