Self Doubt
There I was, arm outstretched, mid handshake, open mouthed and unusually lost for words. “When can you start?” were the words I was having difficulty processing. I’d got the job. The job I thought I was nowhere near qualified enough for. The job I daydreamed about on my coffee brakes but dared not believe I could ever step into. The job I thought was out of my league. But the position was advertised and a friend convinced me to apply. I figured it would at least be a good interview experience if nothing else and an opportunity to meet new and interesting people. So I took a chance and even though the self doubt was clawing at my nerves all through the interview, I somehow managed to impress them enough with my answers and credentials and was awarded my most coveted position.
Maybe you have found yourself (or frequently find yourself) in a similar palace of disbelief…you have the certificate, you got the promotion or you look around you at your beautiful surroundings and somehow feel as though you don’t belong. “What am I doing here?” “I don’t belong here…Someone must have made a mistake.”
Imposter syndrome can affect us at any point in our lives, sometimes arriving unannounced at the most inopportune moments rendering us weak kneed and speechless. It’s no surprise that two-thirds of people in the UK report difficulty accepting compliments and praise from other people, including 16% who find it ‘very difficult’. Even if we’ve worked so hard to arrive at the position we find ourselves in, we may look at all the evidence pointing towards our deservedness of this reward, yet it still makes no sense to us that we are here. We question our worth. But why?
What Leads To Imposter Syndrome?
There may be a myriad of possible reasons behind the phenomenon of imposter syndrome. For some, the chase to the top is somehow more satisfying than the view from the summit. For others it may be that our role models in our formative years displayed a sense of embarrassment at their successes, or we were brought up in a culture of humility and praised for putting the needs of others before our own (link to people pleasing). Or could it be that our self worth is flat lining. (Trauma can play a part in us dissociating from our reality. After living through a trauma, it is normal to disconnect from ourselves because it feels too dangerous to allow any emotions in, just in case any unwanted memories flood our nervous system. Our brains have a way of protecting us from unwanted thoughts and feelings. Trauma is a whole different issue though and requires specialist therapy and not what I will be focussing on in this particular article.) It goes without saying that we are all different, so it makes sense that there will be differing influences underlying this lack of self belief.
Self Awareness
So where do we begin in untangling this confusion of self doubt? I believe it all begins with self awareness. Sometimes we blindly follow a blueprint to arrive at a destination we didn’t choose for ourselves. Maybe we have found ourselves working our way up the corporate ladder to a managerial position complete with perks, purely because this is what was expected of us. The term that springs to mind here is ‘sleep walking’. Is it possible to sleepwalk our way to the top? Absolutely. It’s sometimes only when we reach the top of that mountain and take a good look at the view, we realise we’re on the wrong mountain. This connected to the tendency of people-pleasing as a way of gaining love and acceptance. Maybe we need to head back into our learned experience of love as a child. Was love the love we received conditional? Knowing which goals to focus on highlights the importance of authenticity, which of course is not possible without a strong foundation of self knowledge. Therapy can help us with gaining this valuable sense of self awareness so we are able to throw away the maps others may prefer us to follow and create our own path to success.
Self Esteem
Next on the to-do list is to cultivate our self esteem. After we have gained a deeper awareness of who we are, we can then begin to acknowledge our strengths and recognise our successes. Sustained work in this area will help foster a sense of pride. I encourage my clients to engage in regular self care, as an integral part in strengthening their self esteem. It may feel completely alien to begin with, but like any habit, it can be learned and strengthened through repetition.
Self Acceptance
I have always believed that a large part of happiness can be found in making peace with what we can’t change. This is not to say give up on what can be improved upon, but for example, if we are 5’ 3” and we wish to be 6’, sure, we can buy heels, but fundamentally, we are always going to be 5’ 3”. This is where embracing who we are comes into the equation. Self acceptance…acknowledging there may be aspects of who we are that we have no power over and letting go of the fight against reality can bring with it a deep sense of relief. Acceptance is a spiritual concept which has not escaped the awareness of those who regularly engage in spiritual activities such as meditation. Self acceptance brings with it a sense of confidence in who we are. This is not to be confused with arrogance. Self acceptance can also empower us to become more assertive, not to be confused with argumentative or aggressive. Self assertion upholds our boundaries (link to boundaries). Healthy boundaries are an integral aspect of self care. Can you see how all of this is linked?
Dare To Believe In yourself
Sometimes we may need to dig a little deeper…What would it mean to believe in yourself? Is there part of you that feels afraid of this success? If this is the case, what underlies that fear? Could it be a deep rooted fear of failure, even though to all intents and purposes we have found success, is there the fear it will all be taken away? Where in our lives have we experienced this snatching away of joy? Could it be hidden in the shadows of childhood? Or maybe it was something we witnessed happening to someone else which had a lasting impact. Again, we are all different and even though we may share the feeling of imposter syndrome and self doubt, we each will have arrived at this position by varying modes of experiential transport.
So, what would be the antithesis of imposter syndrome? Self acceptance? Self belief? Confidence? All of the above? Daring to believe…in yourself.
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this and would like to reach out for support, feel free to contact me on 07473241144 or fill the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
References
Yougov.co.uk. 2022.
How many Britons display signs of impostor syndrome? | YouGov. [online]
Available at: https://yougov.co.uk/topics/society/articles-reports/2022/06/07/how-many-britons-display-signs-impostor-syndrome
[Accessed 13 September 2022].
