Being ignored by a friend may trigger past rejection, leading to negative automatic thoughts, but challenging anxious thoughts may help you realise that rejection may not need to be taken so personally.
Feeling Rejected
‘I can see you!’ I text, smiling, simultaneously slurping through the straw of my iced latté.
My friend had just sauntered into the shop opposite the Leigh On Sea café where I was sitting enjoying a well-earned break after a busy week at work.
I followed up the, on reflection, slightly stalker-ish sounding text with an explanation.
‘I’m in the café opposite the shop!’
I was hoping she may want to join me after her browsing and purchasing mission.
The reply I received took me completely by surprise.
‘Can’t be me, I’m at home!’
Er…
Could I be mistaken? My eyesight isn’t the sharpest, even with my contacts in. I looked again…took in the blonde hair, her favourite dress I had previously complimented her on, the colour of her handbag…it was unquestionably her…so why was she telling me it wasn’t and that she wasn’t even there?
I watched, confused, hurt as she left the shop, carrying bags, disappearing into the distance.
Negative Automatic Thoughts
Enter: anxious thoughts. “What have I done?” “I must have done something to upset her.” “What’s wrong with me that she doesn’t want to see me?” All the old, self-criticism and self-doubt fizzes to the top of my brain like a shaken bottle of lemonade, ready to pop.
“All the old, self-criticism and self-doubt fizzes to the top of my brain like a shaken bottle of lemonade, ready to pop.”
It took me a while to gather my thoughts. Of course, this wasn’t the first time I’ve been blown out by a friend. It happens. Never had I experienced it on this level though. To be told that what I was seeing was false. It felt somewhere in the region of gaslighting. I could almost have felt angry had I not been so confused.
I finished my coffee, gathered my belongings and made my way home, feeling strangely like a schoolgirl having been ignored in the playground.
Once home I sat with another coffee, trying to unpack what actually happened back there.
Challenging Anxious Thoughts
Using some of the tools I use with my clients when challenging anxious thoughts in anxiety counselling Leigh On Sea, I ask myself, what am I thinking?
“She hates me.”
So let’s look for the evidence.
“She avoided me.”
Ok, she avoided me. Just because someone avoids you, does that automatically mean they hate you? Probably not. Could there be another reason for her avoidance?
My mind immediately steps over into her shoes.
- She could have a lot going on in her life at the moment and not feel in the best place to socialise.
- She may be experiencing social anxiety and going into town may actually be a really challenging task for her.
- My messages may not have been read in the spirit I intended. 'I can see you. I'm in the café opposite the shop.' Those are just statements. It's not an invitation to join me…which is what I had intended. In fact, she may have felt a bit 'spied on'?
- Maybe the situation triggered an insecure feeling related to my past? I felt like a schoolgirl. That must mean I remember something that happened from school which really upset me at the time which put me back in a place where I was responding from the perspective of a 14 year old girl.
- Maybe she just doesn't like me. Fair enough. I'm not everyone's cup of tea or iced latté!
I also have no idea what is going on in her life that made her want to avoid contact. Social anxiety can make people behave in what may seem to others like unusual ways. I was reminded of a moment from my past when I experienced anxiety. A boy I knew from college was in town, chatting with friends and he called out to me. Before I could respond, my legs started running away, seemingly beyond my control. The reaction was so quick, it not only shocked the college boy and his friends, it also took me completely by surprise. I remember feeling so embarrassed. I mumbled something about needing to run for my bus, but it was quite obvious that was an excuse. Mainly because I was running in the opposite direction from the bus stop! Plus I was the colour of the red letter box I almost collided with in my haste to escape. I now recognise that to be the ‘fight, flight, freeze’ response to a stressful situation.
The Power of Empathy
After challenging anxious thoughts in response to this recent situation, I was able to see that it wasn’t as clear cut as I had previously thought. It’s so easy to jump to conclusions, assume the worst, listen to the human negative bias. It takes effort to challenge that negativity, empathise with the other person in the situation and look at our own part in the process. Any communication is an interaction. Owning our own part in that interaction is empowering because it encourages us to take responsibility for our actions and frees up options to make changes.
“It takes effort to challenge that negativity, empathise with the other person in the situation and look at our own part in the process.”
Psychoeducation and Managing Triggers
So, here’s what I decided. Although this situation reminded me of being a 14 year old girl, frozen out by my best friend in the playground, I am not that 14 year old girl now. I can embrace that inner child part of myself, recognising that was a painful experience at the time, but I can also let go. That was then, this is now. I don’t have to feel insecure anymore.
So in this situation, what choices do I have? I could either brood on it, feeling hurt, insulted and a bit cross, or I could choose to accept that there is more to this situation than meets my eyes.
So what next? I decided I had no right to judge. I messaged her to let her know I hope she’s ok and I’m here if she needs me…
If indeed the situation was that my friend was experiencing social anxiety and my response was to feel anxious I had unintentionally upset her, then the anxiety cycle would have continued to grow, feeding on itself until it was a huge, unmanageable anxiety monster eating up all rational thinking (which of course is an anxiety monster’s favourite food).
Practising what I teach in psychoeducation (specifically challenging anxious thoughts) has allowed me the opportunity to break that cycle and recognise that although I may not have a choice in the way people react, I do have a choice in the way I respond.
On Reflection
Sidenote: I decided to look back over the messages I had sent to my friend (which I wouldn’t normally recommend, as it is akin to brooding over a situation we can’t change). I just wanted to see if I had missed anything. Something which did strike me as unusual was my friend’s lack of profile picture. I wondered why she had removed it. I decided to investigate further. I typed her name into the search bar and to my surprise, there she was, complete with profile picture. Yes…you guessed it, I had been messaging the wrong person! The person I had been messaging was actually a male colleague! As my friend has a unisex name, it was an easy mistake to make.
Something which injected a bit of humour into the situation is that I gave a description of what my friend was wearing in my original message, to make sure I had the right person…leopard print dress, red lipstick and long blonde hair…Imagining the man I work with (dark haired and bearded) in this attire gave me quite a giggle! (Not that there’s anything at all wrong with anyone of any gender wanting to wear a dress and makeup.)
All that confusion and self-doubt over a message to the wrong person. I contacted both friends and explained the situation, fortunately, like me, they both found the funny side!
I think this serves to prove that there is often an alternative reason as to why someone may be ignoring you. All the above reasons, plus mistaken identity. Also, I am reminded that I am human and as such, I make mistakes!
What We Learn From Challenges
This situation has taught me 3 things.
1. If the opportunity presents itself, opt for in-person communication rather than online.
2. Don’t jump to anxious conclusions.
3. Start putting surnames in my contact list.
If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this blog, then please feel free to reach out to me for help via anxiety counselling Leigh On Sea.
