This article looks at Relationships and the Fight Response. You will learn how trauma can affect interpersonal dynamics, particularly focusing on the fight response. This response often emerges as aggression or defensiveness when individuals are triggered by past trauma, potentially straining relationships.
What Does a Fight Response Look Like?
Have you ever experienced a sudden onslaught of verbal abuse from a friend, family member or coworker and you are left, open-mouthed wondering where the attack came from? A slammed door, a personal event cruelly sabotaged, or maybe a cold, hard stare which leaves you feeling in no doubt that this person is angry. Angry with you. Although you don’t know why. Even more perplexing is you didn’t see it coming…and you may consider yourself to be a perceptive person!
Or maybe you are often surprised by the intensity of your responses to other people’s actions. Maybe your reactions regularly seem out of balance with the situation and you catch yourself wondering after these events whether you have been unreasonable. Or you are told you are being unreasonable. Possibly, at the time it feels you have no way of stopping the rage you feel building inside and your words or actions run away from you. Well, it’s possible you have experienced a trigger and you are reacting to that with a fight response.
I can attest to having experienced being on the receiving end of an angry response and I was left feeling shocked, overwhelmed and genuinely confused. Fair enough, if my behaviour had warranted someone responding with this level of anger, then maybe I would have understood and tried to accept their rage. However, after going back over the communications again and again (to check my own memory of the situation as their response led me to believe I must have said or done something terrible) I could see I had been nothing less than reasonable. What had happened is I had set a boundary. I called someone out on their bad behaviour. They were responding to that.
What Leads to Someone Developing It?
I then started to think on a deeper level. What could have led this person to go from 0-60 on the rage scale? I started thinking about her life experiences. I took into account the fact she has experienced trauma and this was likely the cause of her outburst and tendency to sabotage relationships.
Although I understood the reasons behind her response and in some ways the behaviours that had led me to set the boundary in the first place, it did not mean that it was OK for her to be treating me so disrespectfully. As an example, shouting, name calling, pushing, shoving or any kind of physical violence is not acceptable. We have to consider our own physical and emotional safety and also the safety of the other person if they are a danger to themselves as well as others.
Are There More Responses Other Than the Fight Response?
Trauma responses can take many forms. We used to understand it as either ‘fight’ or ‘flight’, but through dedicated research by psychologists, we now know there are others. ‘Freeze’, ‘fawn’ and ‘flop’ and I will get into those and how they may show up in relationships in future blogs.
How Does The Fight Response To Trauma Triggers Effect Relationships?
As I have experienced first hand, the trauma response of ‘fight’ can significantly impact relationships in various ways. If someone perceives danger where there may be none, there will likely be increased conflict. People with a fight response may react to stress or perceived threats with aggression or confrontation. This can lead to frequent arguments and a hostile environment, putting strain on the relationship.
“The person with a fight response may have difficulty trusting others and be overly suspicious, which causes tension for both parties.”
The person suffering with a ‘fight’ response may experience ‘control issues’. This is understandable because the original traumatic experience would have been out of their control and incredibly frightening. Therefore the fight response can manifest as a need to control situations and people, which can be overwhelming and stifling for partners, friends or family members.
Trust issues can be seen through hypervigilance and a tendency to perceive threats where there may be none. This will likely erode trust. The person with a fight response may have difficulty trusting others and be overly suspicious, which causes tension for both parties.
Aggressive responses can result in pushing people away, creating emotional distance. Loved ones may feel unsafe or unsupported, which can lead to a breakdown in emotional intimacy.
Someone experiencing relationships and the fight response may react to perceived threats in a relationship with sudden bursts of anger or physical aggression. When triggered, they may feel overwhelmed by the urge to regain control or defend themselves, leading yelling, throwing objects, or even lashing out physically. These reactions are typically disproportionate to the situation and can harm both their partner and the relationship, perpetuating a cycle of fear and conflict.
There may even be the element of self-sabotage due to deep-rooted feelings that ‘everybody leaves me’ or ‘I don’t deserve close relationships’ or such low self-esteem that the person believes they have to keep everyone away from them because they are not safe to be around. It’s a complex issue which needs careful handling and trauma informed therapy to manage.
If you wish to learn more about Childhood Trauma please look here >
If you would like to learn more about PTSD, please look here >
It is common to experience communication breakdown due to aggressive communication styles as it hinders effective communication. Instead of discussing issues calmly, the person might start shouting, blaming, or criticising, which makes it difficult to resolve conflicts constructively.
Ironically, fear and anxiety can incite the fight response in some people and in turn this response can induce fear and anxiety in others. Partners or family members may feel constantly on edge, anticipating an aggressive outburst, which can harm their emotional well-being, often leading them to feel as though they are treading on eggshells for fear of doing or saying the ‘wrong’ thing.
Persistent aggressive behaviours can lead to the breakdown of relationships. Friends and partners might decide to distance themselves or end the relationship to protect their own mental health.
Does Everyone React to Trauma Triggers in the Same Way?
It’s important to remember what someone perceives as a threat can vary from person to person and the trauma response may vary according to the individual and their experiences. Whether the response presents as ‘fight’, ‘flight’, ‘freeze’, ‘fawn’ or ‘flop’ can even switch depending on the circumstance and how the individual is triggered. They will likely be unaware of their reaction, only that they need to survive the moment. It’s important we don’t take the behaviour personally, but vital that we draw boundaries to let the person know what is and is not acceptable. This is both for our own safety and for theirs. Ideally, the person experiencing these heightened emotional outbursts, whether or not they have a diagnosis of PTSD, will be in therapy working on managing their symptoms and understanding the underlying issues so they can heal and form meaningful attachments in their lives.
How Can Someone With a Fight Response to Trauma Triggers Help Themselves?
Someone with the fight response would greatly benefit from learning about and considering these impacts. Managing and mitigating the fight response will improve not only relationships with others but most importantly, the relationship with themselves. Therapy, such as I provide in my practice in Leigh On Sea will aid with stress management techniques. Open communication will help develop healthier ways to cope with trauma and maintain healthier relationships. It’s equally as important for people who are affected by someone struggling with a fight response to trauma to seek support. This may be via a support group, chats with close friends or counselling services.
People who are living in a perpetual state of reacting to triggers are likely exhausted and do not want to be behaving in this way. They may feel their behaviour is completely out of their control and consequently have low self-esteem. However, it is possible to heal from these trauma responses and build meaningful relationships. Through patience and dedication we can remind ourselves we all deserve to find peace and happiness in our lives no matter what we have been through or what we may have done.
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this and would like to reach out for support, feel free to contact me on 07473241144 or fill the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
