Over-functioning and people-pleasing is a habit we can fall into as a way of trying to control what feels overwhelming for us. That doesn’t mean to say we’re ‘control freaks’, it just means that somewhere along the line we learned that in order to be accepted, we needed to do more, be more, have more and make sure everyone around us was ok. Sounds exhausting? That’s because it is! It’s no surprise that over-functioning people-pleasers end up with chronic stress-related illnesses such as chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia because, let’s face it, that repressed stress has to come out somewhere!
So how do we know if we are over-functioning/ people-pleasing?
What is Over-Functioning?
Over-functioning looks a lot like trying to squeeze in as much as possible into a 24 hour slot, automatically saying yes to everything and everyone and constantly feeling there are never enough hours in the day. It’s the process of pushing ourselves beyond our physical, mental and emotional limits to achieve the unachievable. Sound familiar? If so, this could mean you are over-functioning and people-pleasing your way to ignoring your limits and struggling to do too much at the expense of your own physical, mental and emotional health.
What is People-Pleasing?
People pleasing involves the deep-rooted need to be kind and accommodating to others, often at the expense of your own needs. It’s saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ and apologising when you know you’ve done nothing wrong just to keep the peace. Ultimately, it’s the act of exhausting yourself, whilst simmering quietly because nobody seems to notice how tired and overstretched you are.
Recognise elements of yourself here? If so, you’re not alone! This was me. I was quite literally over-functioning and people-pleasing myself into chronic stress. Fortunately, personal therapy helped me realise why I had adopted these coping mechanisms and I learned to deal with the root of the issue.
The Truth Behind the Auto-accommodating Over-functioner
There are many reasons why people choose to behave in these ways. I say ‘choose’ because, even though it may feel out of our control, it actually is a choice. It may not be a conscious choice, but somewhere along the line, we decided that it was necessary to behave in these people-pleasing, over-functioning ways in order to be accepted. As children, during our formative years, we needed to survive and in order to gain approval of our caregivers, we may have tailored our behaviour to be acknowledged.
The issue underlying over-functioning and people-pleasing boils down to a fear of rejection. This fear keeps us in a perpetual state of anxiety, which fuels the adrenaline to keep us over giving to others and under giving to ourselves.
If we pay attention to when we over function and ask ourselves, “Who am I trying to impress?”, often we realise we’re trying to prove a point to someone from our past. The action isn’t related to the present moment. Also …
Whilst we are running around, trying not to be rejected by everyone else, what we fail to realise is we are actually rejecting the most important person in our lives. Ourselves.
Who is More Likely to Over-function and People-please?
Anyone who has experienced a difficult childhood (especially abusive), inconsistent parenting or conditional love, will likely find themselves always trying to please others and attempting to achieve more than is humanly possible in order to feel worthy. The tendency to seek perfection is common in those who have experienced these kinds of upbringings, possibly because being ‘perfect’ was the only way to be accepted.
My History With Over-functioning and People-pleasing
Anyone who has experienced a difficult childhood (especially abusive), inconsistent parenting or conditional love, will likely find themselves always trying to please others and attempting to achieve more than is humanly possible in order to feel worthy. The tendency to seek perfection is common in those who have experienced these kinds of upbringings, possibly because being ‘perfect’ was the only way to be accepted.
I was in the habit of designing for myself what, in effect, ought to have been 5 year plans as New Year’s Resolutions to complete within 12 months and often burning out part way through February, feeling as though I had failed. I was putting everybody else’s needs before my own for fear I would be abandoned if I wasn’t ‘good enough’. Little did I realise that being ‘good’ was actually doing not only myself a disservice but also the people who I was forcing these acts of kindness on. I wasn’t allowing them the opportunity to achieve what they needed to achieve for their own personal growth. I often built resentment towards people, which would emerge in passive aggressive ways, eventually destroying the relationship. I would harbour resentment for months, feeling ignored and taken advantage of whilst continually, willingly accepting more and more responsibility.
When I look back at that time in my life, all I see is a frazzled young lady who really just needed to stop a while and actually listen to her own needs.
Fortunately therapy allowed me the time and space to do that. I stopped being busy and actually looked at the situation I had unwittingly constructed for myself.
As a recovering overfunctioner and people-pleaser I do have to stay mindful of my tendencies to slip back into these habitual, auto-accommodating ways. I spent many years cultivating the habit, so it stands to reason that it will take a while to untangle myself.
The Importance Of Boundaries For Self-care
I’m not saying that in order to fulfill our own needs we need to ignore the needs of others, or give up on our aspirations to achieve greatness. Far from it. We are, in fact, better able to serve others (and more importantly ourselves) if we are able to learn how to give with the safety net of boundaries. As I mentioned in my first blog post Boundaries Not Barriers. Having healthy boundaries means we can say yes to helping, as long as it doesn’t mean ignoring our own needs. We can say yes, but maybe put a limit on the amount of time we are willing to help. For example, if we want to check in with a member of our family, but we find time their company draining, then it’s perfectly acceptable to say we can only stay for half an hour…Or, if our boss wants us to work overtime AGAIN at the weekend but we’ve already stated we like to spend time with our family at the weekend, we could maybe come to a mutually agreeable compromise involving working half a day instead of a full one. There are many nuances to finding our own boundary sweet spot in any given situation.
Remember, it’s also important to recognise our own boundaries with ourselves and where we may be violating those. For example, staying up late to pack our kid’s lunch boxes and get PE kits ready for the next day when actually they’re capable of having helped earlier in the evening. This would not only allow them some responsibility, harnessing their personal growth, it would also afford us the time for a more relaxing, recharging evening, so we don’t have to zombie-shuffle through the next day!
As a parent, I find it incredibly easy to fall into the trap of over functioning. Particularly after what has been a difficult year and a half of lockdowns for our kids. It’s almost as though I am trying to make up for lost time!
How to Stop Over-giving to Others and Under-giving to Ourselves
The first step to recovering from this type of dysfunctional behaviour is to recognise it. As obvious as this sounds, if we are in the height of anxiety, it may not be possible to access the logical thinking necessary to calm down our frazzled minds. It’s also worth remembering that calming down may well take a while because we have habituated the practice of ignoring our own needs. Regular mindfulness can help ground us and reconnect us with our feelings. There are lots of helpful apps and podcasts available now, based on mindfulness and meditation principles. Even a few minutes each day is enough to get us out of our over-analysing minds and back into the present.
Setting boundaries with those in our lives who tend to expect us to overstretch ourselves is a good way to guard against burnout. It may take some practice, but asserting our limits is a good practice to master and the more we do it the easier it will become.
The act of being kind to ourselves and offering ourselves the same love, care and attention we pour into others may be an alien concept to us. However, if we cut back on overfunctioning and people-pleasing for everyone else, imagine the time we would free up! Giving back to ourselves is the only way to ensure we recover from burnout. Harnessing healthy boundaries and a good self care routine ensures we will stay in good mental health and surely that’s all any of us want.
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this and you would like to reach out for some support, then feel free to contact me on 07473241144 or fill out the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
