Boundaries is such a buzz word these days! We are told healthy boundaries not barriers facilitate healthy communication, but what does that actually mean? Some people hear the word ‘boundary’ and they immediately think barrier/ brick wall and how can that be helpful to communication? Well, the simple fact is, a boundary is not a barrier. It’s the limits we choose to put in place for our own self-care.
The Need For Boundaries Not Barriers
So why do we need boundaries not barriers … especially with people we love? Surely we should be free-flowing, loving and accepting within close relationships. While aspects of that premise is true, what happens in imbalanced relationships where there’s more give than take and we end up emotionally drained? Love needs boundaries to survive. Controversial? Maybe, but without boundaries, relationships are not protected.
Lack of Boundaries
Maybe you feel like you’re the one doing all the work or you fear you’re not doing enough. Arguments erupt and suddenly it feels less like love and more like a battle of wills. Healthy boundaries mean firstly identifying what we are and aren’t ok with, then showing others where that line is, then (hopefully) they will know not to overstep…For example, we may be the only one to pick dirty laundry up off the floors. No matter how many times we’ve asked the person in question to put their washing in the laundry bin (or even better, the actual machine) it always ends up the same. It may change for a while. We may get an apology and the other person may begin to do as we’ve politely requested, but there we are a month down the line and we’ve crept back into doing it ourselves… again…so we ask again…and round and round we go. Or the situation may be more serious, relating to lending money and never being repaid or even a cheating situation. Boundaries are linked to respect and are relevant across the board.
Boundary violators
If people continue to overstep the line when we’ve expressed our feelings about their behaviour, we are likely dealing with a boundary violator. These people aren’t necessarily deliberately disrespecting our needs. They may have trouble recognising balance in their own lives, so therefore can’t apply a healthy balance within their relationships. That’s not to say it’s ok. They can learn how to respect our boundaries.
What if someone punishes you for saying ‘no’ to something they have asked of you? Maybe they sulk or exhibit passive aggressive behaviour, like no longer inviting you to social gatherings or just ignoring you. It’s important to recognise that, although this is completely human behaviour, it’s not necessarily healthy behaviour or indeed conducive to a healthy relationship (whether that be with a partner, a friend or a family member). Some boundary violators, however, are completely aware they are taking advantage. If you find yourself continually dealing with these types of people, this situation will require a bit more support, reflection and possibly the help of a therapist to help you uncover what may be causing these dynamics in your life.
Empaths and Boundaries
If you have issues setting and / or maintaining boundaries, then you may well identify as an empath or a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). People might describe you as ‘perceptive’ or even ‘intuitive’. You seem to know what people need before they have even voiced those needs, picking up on the general vibe of a situation or you just get a feeling about someone. It can be emotionally debilitating if you’re always completely open to whatever comes your way, trying to help others, with little thought for your own needs. If some form of limit isn’t applied, it can easily lead to burnout.
So how can we stop? Surely this is just part of our personality? Remember we want to implement boundaries not barriers. We may have been brought up to be kind and accommodating and expressing a dislike for doing so was met with retorts such as ‘That’s selfish’ or ‘Don’t do it with a bad grace!’ The way out of this learned behaviour is to become more attuned to ourselves. Self awareness helps us identify which are our own feelings and which belong to others. This helps us to protect our own energy.
Boundaries and People Pleasing
However nice it may be to be helpful, ‘people pleasing’ is often an unconscious effort to avoid conflict. This compulsion to please and placate may stem from childhood experience. While people pleasing and neglecting our own boundaries may have worked to have our needs met as a child, in adult life the habit is likely to cause more problems than it solves. This is not to say the answer is to cut everyone off and become selfish! Awareness of the compulsion to please others is worth exploring though. Finding a balance is key.
Boundaries and Over-responsibility
What does a lack of boundaries look like? How about a situation where you’re out with a friend to have a meal, but there’s actually another person at the table with you, uninvited, and pinging away at your phone, distracting your attention. This person at the other end of the phone may have no idea you’re out for a meal, so they keep on pinging you. How would they know, unless you told them?
There you are, sat opposite your lunch date with one eye on them, the other on your phone…You think to yourself, “I’m sure they understand…I’ll just say it’s work…” The truth is, it’s not work. It’s a friend who needs a bit of advice about a dilemma they’re in. However, it’s not urgent and could definitely wait until after lunch. But, you can’t seem to put the situation aside. You’re compelled to think of a solution for them and genuinely want to help. Surely that’s not a bad thing?
When you look at this situation at face value, your friend who is very important to you needs some advice and you want to help. All fine so far. However, your other VIP, sitting across from you, is not receiving your full attention. This, at best, is rude and, at worst, inhibiting your own enjoyment. You’re not allowing yourself to be fully present to appreciate the moment you’re in. Friends and family may have even commented on how distracted you always seem to be. Any of this sound familiar?
What about the effort your lunch date has made to show up for you? What about that beautiful meal in front of you that you’re mechanically eating without really tasting? How can you be tuned into the present moment, when your attention is being pulled in another direction? You can’t win. When you try to focus on the person in front of you, all you can think of is whether the advice you’ve given your friend is up to scratch or whether you’ve missed anything. You feel guilty for not being entirely present, but when you try to focus on what’s happening in front of you, you feel guilty that you’re not available for your friend…or whatever else you feel you ought to be doing. It’s basically a really rubbish version of ‘the grass is always greener’…A lack of boundaries could lead to you never being fully present or able to enjoy the moment, and that seems sad. Applying boundaries not barriers in this instance will set out how people can expect you to behave moving forwards. It will allow you to be helpful to those you want to be there for emotionally, whilst still being able to engage the people you are physically in front of.
Ignoring your Boundary needs
People may describe you as a kind, helpful person. While that may be true, in the process, you may be ignoring your own boundaries, neglecting to be kind and helpful to yourself…denying your own needs in favour of accommodating everyone else’s.
This level of people pleasing can be related to a need to be in control. Likely because there was a significant moment in your life when you were not in control which caused you a lot of pain. Wanting to be in control doesn’t make you a ‘control freak’ or a bad person, but it may mean you have issues expressing your needs. Empaths and HSP’s are never off-duty. Being constantly tuned in to the needs of others can be exhausting. Living in a perpetual state of hyper awareness causes high levels of anxiety which may lead to physical illness.
So how can we learn how to turn off the ‘auto-accommodate’ switch? It can be difficult to tune into ourselves when we are always dialled into everyone else. It’s almost like we need to turn the volume down on the outside world and turn the volume up on our inner world. This will help us cultivate appropriate boundaries not barriers with people in your life.
Boundaries and Self-awareness
Self awareness is a skill we can all learn. It may be time for you to discover what your boundary issues are. But how to do this? It can help to reflect on which situations lead you to people please. Once you know, it’s possible for you to proactively pay attention to areas in your life requiring adjustments.
Knowing your boundaries can help you feel safe and the more you assert these boundaries, the more confident you will become in doing so. Communication will become easier, because others will know what to expect. Relationships will become more authentic due to the new level of honesty.
Before you panic, being honest doesn’t automatically mean being unkind. It’s possible to state your feelings confidently and diplomatically (if necessary) without feeling the need to apologise or taking on other people’s problems (which are not your responsibility anyway)!
Instead of waiting for other people to consider your feelings, maybe it’s time to start considering your own needs. Ultimately, asking for what we need is our right and responsibility. It’s never too late to set boundaries not barriers and start showing others the level of respect we expect to be treated with.
If you recognise yourself or someone you know after reading this, and you would like to reach out for some support, then contact me on 07473241144 or fill out the contact form for a no obligation consultation.
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